Prazno/Empty

Prazno *by PoLona Klemenc*

Zrem v ogledalo.

Ni me v odsevu.

Ni pravi občutek.

Sem duh v svojih mislih.

Sem tisti, ki sem ga pustil za sabo.

Vseskozi romam po hiši.

Zdi se, da nič ni narobe.

In nič ni prav.

Ne opazim se.

Stopim kar skozi sebe.

Zrem v ogledalo.

Prazno je.

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Empty *by PoLona Klemenc*

I stare at the mirror.

I'm not in the reflection.

It doesn't feel right.

I'm the ghost inside my mind.

I'm the one I left behind.

I keep on roaming the house.

It seems like nothing is wrong.

And nothing is right.

I don't notice myself.

I walk straight through myself.

I stare at the mirror.

It's empty.

Klasifikacija najboljši prijatelj/Best friend material

Tole bom napisala za moje najbolše prijatelje ... Ok, zaradi mojih najboljših prijateljev ... Tistih, ki so do nedavnega to bili ... V angleščini sem res dobro besedno zvezo najdla hehe ... Kam to pelje? Kmalu bom kvalificirana kot genij ali pač kot norec ... Če je bilo sploh kdaj pomembno ...

Zgodba poteka ... 2 najboljša prijatela sta me odpikala kot najboljšega prijatelja ...
Eden me je odpikal zaradi sten, ki sem jih gradila okoli sebe (v bistvu so se same in jaz se jih še vedno ne morem znebiti - niti malo) in zato, ker sem egoistična - kar nisem, sem egocentrična in ja tu je razlika ... Egocentrično je bližje narcisističnemu in egoistično je bližje materialističnemu: v kolikor to zadeva mene ...
Drugi mi je dejal, da ne morem biti najboljša prijateljica zaradi nekih okoliščin ... Karkoli je že to pomenilo ... Zdi se mi, da ima probleme s t.i. (tako imenovano) fant-dekle razmerje, ki pravi, da fant in dekle ne moreta biti najboljša prijatelja ... Tako ali drugače se nikoli nisem imela za dekle ...

Ampak oba imam tako zelo rada. Reči hočem, zelo majhna skupina oseb je, ki so mi blizu, pa čeprav imam vsaj malo rada veliko ljudi ... Imela sem 7 najboljših prijateljev (samo 5 sedaj). Za te fante in punce dam življenje! Sedaj pa se vse zdi kot neokusne, slabe sanje. Najboljši prijatelj pride k meni in reče: " Eiga, veš, ne moreva biti najboljša prijatelja. Preprosto ni prav." Potem mi pove kakšne scene mu/ji delam ...

Izgleda, da ne morem biti klasificirana za najboljšega prijatelja. Ampak zakaj? Kako prepoznaš najboljšega prijatelja od normalnega prijatelja in ostalih? Kje je zanka?
Saj bom tam, ko me boš potreboval, vedno bom imela ramo na kateri se lahko razjočeš, izmišljevala si bom najbolj trapaste vice, samo da te spravim v boljšo voljo, pa četudi to pomeni, da bom iz sebe naredila budalo. Življenje bom dala zate.
Poskušam biti boljša oseba. Lahko se in bom se prilagodila, če bo potrebno, ampak to ne pomeni, da bom tiho, če bom hotela nekaj spornega povedati.. Poslušala bom in povedala zakaj se ne strinjam, če je konflikt. In stala bom za svojimi besedami, kot se to reče pri nas. Ne glede na vse. Ali me to naredi manjšo osebo? Manj prijatelja? In če že, zakaj? Priznam svojo zmoto, ampak, če je ni oziroma je ne sprejmem kot to, tu ni več za povedati.
Ne bom rekla, da nisem dekle, zato, da ti bom lahko prijatelj. To pravim zato, ker se ne počutim kot dekle. Pa čeprav so mi fantje všeč. Pa kaj potem? Ali to pomeni, da sem dekle? Kaj pa, če sem fant ujed v dekliškem telesu? Mogoče sem tomboy. Mogoče tega sranja sploh ni. Obstaja več takih, kot sem sama. Fantje ujeti v dekliškem telesu in obratno. Ali nas to naredi slabša bitja? Zakaj tako?

Ne vem zakaj sploh obstajajo najboljši prijatelji in manj prijatelji. Ne razumem kaj me naredi ne-najboljšega-prijatelja. Ker te ne pokličem vsak dan? To ne pomeni, da obstaja dan, ko vsaj enkrat ne pomislim nate. To ne pomeni, da mi nisi drag. Sem hladno, kar mrzlo, bitje. Svoja občutja držim zase. Priznam, da se včasih kar preveč zaprem vase, ampak taka sem odkar sem bila majcena deklica. Ja nekoč sem slednje bila. Ampak sedaj nisem velika deklica. Tudi ženska nisem.
Sem nekaj, kar je ujeto zunaj škatle ( po ameriško). Vedno sem bila izven škatle in v mnogih primerih. Je to tako grozen zločin? Zakaj tako? Tisočkrat bi bila križana in zažgana na grmadi, preprosto zato, ker sem, kar sem. Saj bi morala biti, menijo mnogi. Ali pa rečejo, da tako ne mislijo, ampak še vseeeno se vedno tako zdi. Sovražim svojo drugačnost, ampak gnusna mi je misel, da bi bila taka kot so vsi drugi, samo zato, da bi me nekdo maral, ljubil. Tole bi morala napisati deset let nazaj, ampak nikoli prej mi nihče ni rekel, da noče biti moj najboljši prijatelj zato, ker sem, kakršna sem. Hudiča, deset let nazaj sploh vedela nisem kaj najboljši prijatelj je. Tudi sedaj nisem prepričana, da vem, kakšen vrag to je. Morala bi se bolj odpreti. Ampak tega se bojim, vem. Priznam. Ne vem niti kako se odpreti. Nisem dobra z besedami. Vsaj ne, kadar jih je potrebno spregovoriti. Jih spraviti na odprto. Ne zmorem tega. Hvala bogu za pisavo heh heh.


Mir. Hvala, da ste brali to sranje. Če že veste odgovor, kar povejte. Vesela bom vsake besede. Rada poslušam. Vsaj to znam.

Love ye all!
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I'm going to write this one for my best friends ... Ok, because of my best friends ... Best friends used-to-be-s ... LoL heh making up new things all the time ... Where's it leading me? Soon I'll be either quallified as a genius or a nutter ... If it ever mattered ...
The story goes by ... 2 best friends told me off as a best friend ...
One told me he couldn't take me as one because of the walls I built around me ( they built themselves really and I still can't just bring them down - at all) and because I'm egoistic - which I'm not, I'm egocentric and yes there's a difference ... Egocentric is closer to narcissistic and egoistic is closer to materialistic: as far as I'm concerned ...
The other one told me I could never be his best friend because of the circumstances ... Whatever that meant ... I think he has an issue with that boy - girl relationship about boys and girls not being able to be best friends ... I never considered myself a girl really ...

But I love them both so much. I mean I only feel close to a small group of people even though I like many ... I had 7 best friends at once (5 now). I'd give life for these lads n lasses. And now everything seems like a bad dream. My best friend comes up to me and says: "Hey, we can't be best friends. It just doesn't feel right." Then they speak about issues thy're having with me ...

Seems like I'm not a best-friend material. But why? How can u tell a best-friend material from a friend material and other materials? Where's the catch really?
I'll be there for you when you need me, I'll have a shoulder for you to cry on, I'll make up stupid jokes just to make you feel better even if it means making a fool of myself. I'll give my life for you.
I do try to be a better person and I can and will adapt too when needed, but that won't mean that I'll back off when I try to make a point. I'll listen and tell why I disagree if I do. And I will stand behind my words as we say in Slovenia, no matter what. Does that make me a lesser person? A lesser friend? If yes, why so? I'll admit my mistake, but if it isn't or I don't take it as one, there's nothing more to talk about.
I don't want to say I'm not a girl just to be your friend, I'm saying it because I really don't feel like one. Even though I like boys. So what? Does that meant I am one? What if I'm a boy caught in a girls body? Maybe I'm just a tomboy. Maybe there is no shit like that. There are others like me. Boys caught in girls body and otherwise. Does that make us lesser beings? Why so?

I don't know why there are such things like best friends and lesser friends. I don't understand what makes me non-best-friend material. Because I don't call u every day? That don't mean I don't think of you every day. That doesn't mean I don't think of you dearly. I'm a cold distant creature. I keep my feelings to myself. I do admit I can be too closed up, but I've been so ever since I was a little girl. Yes I was a little girl once. But now I'm not a big one. Not a woman either. I'm something caught outside the box. I've always been outside the box in many ways. Is that such a crime? Why so? I would be thousand times crucified and burned like a stake for being myself. I should many will think. Or maybe they'd say that is not what they meant, but still it always seems so. I hate being different, but I refuse to be the same as all the others just to be liked, loved by someone. I should have written this ten years ago, but I've never really been told I couldn't be somebodys best friend because of being me. Hell ten years ago I didn't even know what a best friend was. I'm not sure I know now either. I should open up. But I'm afraid to, I know. I admit. I don't even know how to open up. I am not good at words. Not as long as I have to speak them up. Bring them out. I can't. Thank god for writing, heh heh.


Peace. Thanks for reading this shit. If you know an answer to this, speak up. I'd be glad to listen. That I can do.

Love ye all!